Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Addendum: 1992.

You may remember that in my Best of the 90s posts, I briefly mentioned writing a tome entitled Richard Troll as a young child. You may not remember this, because let's be honest, these posts are always real long. But at the end of my 1990 post, I said: I think I spent most of my down time collecting trolls, and then writing stories about said trolls. My sister then filled in the important details, as she often does, by reminding me that the stories were about ONE troll, and his name was Richard.

You may also have seen on Facebook or Twitter over the last few days that for Christmas this year, my mom made a book full of photocopies of embarrassing writing from my entire childhood. Some of these gems (embarrassments) are excerpts from Richard Troll. To spread the joy, I decided to share some of my literary genius with you.

Spelling errors included for authenticity. Text in big font because that is how we all wrote in second grade.


(Back story for this first paragraph, which is from a chapter called "Neil's Farm"--Richard Troll went to Neil's Farm and was scared by/attacked by a "big pussy cat." It is slightly unclear what exactly happened with the big pussy cat, but Richard came home and was not happy about it.)

For now on we shal go to the bar. "The children are to young to dringk." said my mother. So I will go myself. For now on I went to that bar every night. Now I was smart. I found my friends thier. They said Hey, want to play some pool and I said Hey, Hey is for horses. Then when I got home I toled my mother what I did. Son, you have grone up. Then can I play my Boys II Men tape Mom. Yes son Yes. I love you mommy. Thank you so much. Your friends should know that hey is for horses.
I went downstairs to tell my mommy that I wanted 11 people at my party and I wanted to go to the bar to play pool. I said I would mak a list of all the people I wanted for my party.

The third person Richard Troll invited to his party.

After the party mom took me to the mall. I bout a new suit. My mommy bout new earings. We each got 1 big pen that looks like a jet. In 14 years I will be 40. I am going to do a lot of stuff because my mommy is nice wen anyone turns 26 and 40. Those are her favorite numbers. The next day I went in a hot air balloon. It was so much fun. I can't wait till I turn 40. I got a day off of work sence it was my birthday. But next week I will go back to the office. My favorite present was 1 bowtie and if you put a badery in it it glows up. I got lots of GI Joes. At the bar we played pool and I won. I love this birthday.

(Chapter 16) 

[My dad] is very nice. He has pink hair. Pink hair in this family is crazy, so that means that he is crazy and boy he is. My mother on the other hand has blue hair and is very comb like me and Mickey. She likes to knit and is very nice. My mom is eighty two. My dad is eighty four. My moms first name is Catherin. Her nickname is Bunky. My dad's first name is Ed. His nickname is Mr. Ed. Trolls always have nicknames. My nickname is Rich. And of course the kid's names nicknames are B.B., C+C, and Mick. Troubles nickname is Trouble. Let's get back to my parents. Sorry about that long talk about nicknames, but this was the only time I could tell you.

I will tell you what my parents look like. My father, pink hair, white scarf around neck, purple sunglasses, fat, and very strong. My mom is beautiful but my dad is ugly. All my dad does is roll and drives around in his car. But my mom gets around and has a real job. She makes troll underwear. Hey, don't lagh. You need them.

(Chapter 17: All About the Family) 

First, I'll start with Micky. He has blue hair and is like me. He is the smartest one in the family. Micky has been troll napped! If you see a little baby troll with blue hair, report it to Richard and Troubles troll. 5 pounds of hair reward.


This masterpiece brought to you by this girl right here:

You are welcome.

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