First of all, let's discuss how long it took me to calculate how far away 2032 is, and then after that, how old I will be then. Let's just say that it took more than five seconds and it should have taken less than that. 20 years, people! That's how far it is! Which means I will be 48. Which means I will be old, because that's around the age I pictured my parents being when I was a kid. Discuss: I believed my parents were in their 40s forever, like long after they weren't anymore. That's weird.
Maybe I should note that I've had some beer, but beer is never really an excuse for my horrible math skills, because they're horrible even when I'm sober. I'm supposed to tutor some college students in math next week and I'm already having panic attacks about it. Yeah, that's not going to go well.
Anyway! This is quite the self-absorbent prompt, ain't it? But most of these are. For funsies, let's live it up and be as pompous as possible! Alright! Five of my writing dreams!
1) I will have WRITTEN A BOOK! OF UNKNOWN SUBJECT MATTER OR EVEN GENRE!
2) In order to have WRITTEN THIS BOOK, I will have been able to spend many hours in coffee shops or in special rooms where I am SO ABSORBED IN THIS BOOK for AT LEAST A YEAR. Yes, this is a goal in and of itself.
3) I will have written for a prestigious online blog that is NOT AFTERELLEN! Not that AfterEllen is bad because I love them, but this will have proven that someone other than Heather Hogan and Karman Kregloe believe in me! Who are the sweetest people in the world for believing in me! I will have written for MULTIPLE prestigious online blogs! I will have been published in the Paris Fucking Review!
4) I will still be writing in this silly blog--YES, 20 YEARS FROM NOW, HAHAHA IT IS SO REALISTIC LET'S JUST KEEP GOING--but I will have so many devoted fans that I will actually make a lot of money from the blog because of advertising. Oh, I have that little advertising on the side there, now. I think so far it has earned me two cents!
5) I will have gone on a BOOK TOUR! (Back to the book.) There will be youth there! Girls! Queer kids! I'll shake their hands and give them all hugs! I'll tell them HEY KIDS! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT! They will follow me on social media and they will do AMAZING THINGS and we will continue to all inspire each other until we all die full of knowledge and empathy and friends and amazingness!
Okay. So, how this will happen!
I will write something. I will submit it to somewhere that is not AfterEllen. That place will accept it. Then I will write something else and submit it somewhere else and they will accept it too! I will have multiple publications to put on my resume like a pretentious asshole!
I will have an idea for a book. I will start writing it, secretly.
I will be living in New York. I already know people in the publishing industry, so, I will wheedle my way into connections somehow. EW, GROSS. This step is the worst. BLERGH, CONNECTIONS. BLERGH, NETWORKING. I NEVER GOT A REAL JOB BECAUSE THE WORD 'NETWORKING' MAKES ME QUEASY. But anyway, I know that's the way it has to be so that's what I'll do. I'll get some names, maybe have some casual meetings with people over happy hours (blergh), but not too much blergh because I am actually really good at meeting people and happy hour is fun if you have money for happy hour, so. Anyway. I'll get advice about the biz. I'll meet people. I'll beg for an agent until I get one.
This agent will eventually lead to an editor which will help make me better than I was before! God bless all the editors!
Then I'll publish the book, duh.
At that point, I will have so many followers to my blog and my Twitter and my other Internet writings that I will be able to whine enough to convince at least all of them to buy it. And all of my family and friends will buy it, and they are the best, so. I will probably barely break even, but it will be enough for me, probably.
EL FIN DEL MOST CONCEITED STORY I'VE EVER WRITTEN.